Indeed, The Federal Aviation Administration has even kept the Mayor of Quincy in the dark over the mysterious flying machine. “They told me it was a flying vacuum cleaner,” claims Mayor Tom Koch. “But the flying vacuum cleaner tests were conducted late last year, so that can’t be right…”

But fear not residents of Quincy! It turns out that the hubbub in the skies is merely the precursor to a wonderful CIA community-building exercise: Operation Dumbo Pinata Drop!

You down with OPD? Yeah you know B(oston)!

An anonymous CIA insider shed light the operation: “Remember that scene in the Shaquille O’Neal classic Kazaam where the kid wishes for candy to rain down from the heavens? Well you’re welcome Boston!”

He continues: “The candy will be held within strategically-deployed piñatas. The piñatas will be exploding overhead, so that might be a little concerning to some, but when they see the candy falling, everyone will be overjoyed. Right?”

When pressed about security risks and the right of Quincy residents to not be harassed through the night, the CIA insider merely shrugged and asked “What are the concerned about? We’re springing for the good stuff! Hershy’s and Nestle products, baby!”

Operation Piñata Drop was slated to coincide with Cinco de Mayo earlier this month; another shining example of government efficiency. For more on this story, click here.

The post CIA readies super-secret piñata drop over Boston! appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

The Atlantic Ocean at a 90′s glowstick party

It is common knowledge that the Atlantic Ocean is the saltiest in the world. This Friday, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced that, to make the ocean “safer for both wildlife and humans,” the Atlantic must reduce its sodium content from 3.3% to 2.4% over the next five years.

“As the Atlantic is the biggest offender in the war against salt, it was only natural that it would be the first target on our list,” claims a senior EPA ecologist. “We realize that the Atlantic faces many issues: oil pollution, trash build-up, pelicans…however it is our sincere belief that salinity is the first problem the Atlantic must address. We’ve come to this conclusion mainly because it was our committee’s decision.”

Salt Water Fish to wear Saltine patches!

Though the reduction was applauded by public safety advocates, residents of the Atlantic ocean are not pleased. This includes coral reefs, fish, and a dude on a houseboat. The Middle Oceanic Fraternal Order of Seahorses and Related Species (or MOFOS, as it is more commonly known) is an opposition group which has been vocal about what they see as an encroachment of their basic rights as oceanic inhabitants. “This aggression will not stand!” shouts their spokesperson, the dude on the houseboat.

In a letter published by The Atlantic (no relation), the Atlantic Ocean defended itself in its own words:

“I feel that I’m being very unfairly targeted by the EPA’s mandate. The Pacific Ocean is nearly double my size, and the Dead Sea is nearly twice as salty, and yet I’m taking all the guff. Is it merely a convenient coincidence that both The Dead Sea and the Pacific Ocean are major contributors to the campaigns of several top-level appointees in the EPA? You be the judge!”

When asked for comment, New York City major Michael Bloomberg said “now why didn’t I think of that!”

The post Atlantic Ocean must reduce Sodium content by 2018 appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

This thing will make you fat!

Dawn Raids

Police carried out a series of dawn raids on the homes of morbidly obese citizens today. During the visits, all labour-saving devices were forcibly confiscated from the properties leaving the fatties facing a future of manual activity…a.k.a: HELL!

Recent scientific evidence has shown that obesity began in 1950…TV remote controls were invented that same year…coincidence? Absolutely not!

Any device which reduces exercise will make you fat, and the ones which cook food are doubly dangerous.

Owning a remote controlled toaster can take up to ten years off your life expectancy!

With this in mind the government have decided to save the lives of fat people by removing any item which encourages laziness.

In some houses they even removed the furniture, replacing it with gym equiptment and salad spinners.

Don’t help them!

If you see an obese person trying to purchase a labour saving device…stop them! Instead, lead them to the weight-lifting section and buy them a dumbbell!

No pies!

Oh yes…and as of tomorrow it will be illegal for a fat person to purchase, consume or touch a pie.

Weeks from now, you’ll be walking around your neighbourhood and suddenly you’ll stop and say…say! Where are all the fat people?

They’ll be right where they always were buddy, only they’ll be thin!

The post WAR ON OBESITY: Labour Saving devices to Blame! appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

Morning-after pills and barbeque sauce are a match made in heaven!

Scores of sexually liberated teenagers are doing cartwheels across several states this morning-after. Finally, the FDA has given the thumbs up healthy intercourse, streamlining access to baby-blocking pharmaceuticals from the comfort of the public school lunch-line!

Tuesday’s Menu: Chicken picata, green bean casserole and your life not being ruined forever

Many parents have applauded the decision to include the morning-after pill as part of the food pyramid. “I’ve always taught my son to handle sex with the utmost caution,” claims a mother in Washington state. “If I had, he wouldn’t be here to need that advice in the first place.”

On the other hand, more concerned parents have been less supportive of the move, claiming that “the right to freedom is a privilege, not a liberty.” A schoolboard member in Iowa expressed his empathy towards those opposing the lunchtime addition: “As a parent, I feel exactly like you do: our children’s genitals should be locked inside tiny cages, only to be unbound upon their 38^th birthday. But folks, this simply isn’t the world we live in anymore. My cage was removed on my 30^th birthday, and all I can think about is what being 17 could’ve been like.”

BREAKING NEWS — FDA considers making morning-after pills available in chewable form for preschoolers

“I support a young woman’s right to do the freaky deaky,” claims a high school principal in New Mexico. “And I also support her right to not muck up the learning process for everyone else by coming to school all pregnant and gross. Fix a problem before it becomes a problem, am I right?”

In each of the 12 states currently implementing the change, a new position has been added to the lunchroom staff: Mealtime Contraceptive Administrator, also known as “The Pill Lady.” Amazingly, every person who has been appointed to this position has been exactly 65 years of age, severely overweight, and has at least one mole with a single hair poking out of it.

The post Morning-after pill added to school lunch menus in 12 states appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

“DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I’D RATHER BE ONLINE BITCHING ABOUT PITCHFORK ALBUM REVIEWS?!”

As you may very well know if you’re a balding man in the IT Department of a mid-sized corporation which produces spatulas, Superman quit his job last year. His primary occupation: informing the public as to how bad shit is at any given time.

Indeed, Clark Kent resigned from his position as a print reporter in favor of taking to the blogosphere. What is a blogosphere? It’s science, idiot. And now it’s what Superman does from the comfort of his ice palace.

The only problem is that he isn’t any fucking good at it, apparently.

“If he writes one more article about how ‘life-changing’ season three of Breaking Bad is, I’m going to throw my computer out of a moving train,” claims a lady in Sweden.* “Recipes for Spicy Fajita Rolls?! Could you put the fucking cape on and do something interesting, please?!”

Here’s a post from February of this year:

February 10^th, 2013 – I’ve recently decided that I need to know a lot more about Bocci. The little that I do know has created a ground-swell within me; the balls! Oh the balls! What do they mean? Is there scoring involved, or are we just having fun? Are we throwing caution to the wind as we toss our balls about? I can’t wait to share all that there is to know about this marvel of semi-physical sporting with you when you visit my website after Youtube becomes boring!

Sidenotes: I heard that a maniac with a Weather Machine is threatening to steal the Statue of Liberty. Also, I LOVE THAT ICONA POP SONG!!

Sad internet users – who could just as easily not read Kent’s blog but for some reason continue to do so – are begging Superman to stop telling the world about the pair of birds nesting in the herb garden on his windowsill. Others are urging him to maybe consider getting out of the lair a bit, and perhaps stopping man’s imminent destruction, as it is an ever-looming condition we seem to be facing as a species.

–

* – Where trains are plentiful.

The post Superman fucking sucks as a blogger appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

“We at Bravo offer our sincerest apologies for using images of genetically modified cats and kittens on select lines of our dry and wet products. Though the food contained in these packages is complete safe to consume, we feel it is still best to recall the offending packages so we don’t have to face the wrath of those engaged in a formal jihad against Monsanto.”

It is believed that the genetically modified animals were used to entice customers. Images include cats that can glow in the dark, cats that can control the weather, and cats that have won the Sy Sims award for outstanding feline business comprehension. The affect that these cats have had on product sales is currently not yet known.

Uproar has cropped up amongst uptight cat owners over the news. “I cannot believe they would do this,” snarks Sheila Frank, clutching her long-haired Persian Mr. Fluffles. “I don’t care that the food was safe! I don’t want to see cats that can fly on Mr. Fluffles dinner! How do you think that would make him feel, knowing that he can’t fly?!”

The Bravo spokesperson went on to reiterate the company’s commitment to safety: “We want to make sure everyone is completely clear; our products are not dangerous. We’ve got the same amount of horse, turtle, aardvark, and crocodile meat as we’ve ever had. The choice to genetically modify our promotional felines was an unfortunate one, and we promise it will never happen again. Or rather that it will only happen again once the concept of genetically modified animals is considered commonplace and is totally acceptable socially.”

The post Bravo pet foods admits to using Genetically Modified Cats on product labels appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

The Higgspad, unravel the universe whilst playing Temple Run!

Experts at Cern were left dumbfounded when they heard the news that Samsung had managed to squeeze 27 km of giant super machine into a device no larger than an iPad and just to add insult to injury, it’s also a phone!

In fact the new device dubbed the ‘Higgsphone’ is capable of unravelling the secrets of the universe by blasting sub atomic particles into one another at the speed of light generating temperatures greater than those at the centre of the sun, plus a fog of nano-black holes without even interrupting your game of temple run!

“It’s just really fucking irritating when they do this!” Said Dr Heinz Pipefvelt who, up until now, had to take an elevator to the centre of a mountain and do his work in a super cooled chamber which cost upwards of 22 billion euros. “Whilst I cannot stand in the way of progress it does make us look like a bunch of twats and that’s simply not on!”

An unusual choice of words you might think for a German but prolonged exposure to the Higgs-Boson Particle can change a man.

There is also concern that children may come into possession of the tablet and, according to experts at Oxford University, there is a slight risk that swiping the App too hard may cause a tear in the space-time continuum thus destabilising the universe and causing a parallel time shift which could bring back the dinosaurs without warning.

They would like to emphasise this is only a slight risk, no more than one in ten.

Samsung are un phased by these concerns and are already developing hand-held versions of nuclear reactors, crop-dusters and a phone which doubles up as a defibrillator!

What a marvellous modern age we live in!

The post Samsung Launches Hadron Collider ‘Tablet’ appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

A Princess Kate Fart can fetch thousands on the brown market!

Always enterprising the ginger haired royal has hit upon a wonderfully simple scheme to boost the royal coffers and give something back to the public at the same time.

It seems that he’s managed to talk his grandmother (and more importantly his sister in law) into donating their farts.

With this in mind he has developed a vacuum sealed anus attachment which sucks gas out of the subject’s asshole painlessly.

‘It’s very effective!’ said a page. ‘Because he takes the fart from deep inside Her Majesty’s bowel there is no loss to dissipation.’

The farts will be tinned, attractively packaged and sold under his father’s ‘Duchy Originals’ brand name.

Prices start at around £9.99 for a “Prince Andrew” right up to several thousand for a “Duchess of Cambridge”.

The palace justified this high price on the basis that it’s the closest that anyone is likely to get to the Duchess’s bottom coupled with the fact that she very seldom farts so when she does it is a magical event for the whole family.

So, if you’re watching the royal family out and about on social engagements and you wonder why they’re walking a bit funny, it’s most likely because there is a tiny vacuum cleaner clamped on their ring.

The funds from this enterprise will go towards the Prince’s personal charity ‘Naked Pool for Africa’ which is fairly self explanatory.

The post Prince Harry to sell Tinned Farts! appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

Upon entering the Bitcoinosphere, you are presented with the idea of crypto-currency, or the concept that money is not actually printed, but is in fact conjured by wizards in a shadowy mountain cave where they live amongst a population of benevolent trolls. Your knowledge of crypto-currency will never come in handy, because you’ll never actually gain any legitimate understanding of the concept.

After your non-introduction to the platform, you then utilize your transactionary skills to transfer currency to others. Something called a block chain is involved. You have to wear armor and wield a mace while seated at your home computer.

Additional currency is added to your journey collectively via “mining.” This involves the process of plumbing the depths of a forgotten gorge for mystic crystals. Thereafter, a major factor in accomplishing missions relies on a “private key,” which is trapped in a dungeon or something.

According to it’s unknown creators, “…to start using Bitcoin, you are not required to understand the technical details.” However it is important to know that Bitcoin will certainly involve you losing money. The pain of that loss will be amplified by the fact that you know there are probably 14-year-old Korean children who understand Bitcoin completely while you continue to fumble away your assets.

What made you think you knew anything about this internet shit in the first place?

The post Bitcoin: Choose your own Economic Adventure! appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.

The book is a lot different than the movie.

Despite reviews lambasting the ridiculousness of History Channel’s “comprehensive presentation” of The Bible (via a series cleverly entitled “The Bible”), the Pope Francis administration has opted to keep with the time-honored tradition of knee-jerk reacting, for the sole purpose of making their opinions known. It really seems like these people don’t care much about church and things.

The Papal inner circle, or “Team Frankie” as they’re known by no one, has expressed concerns over the television program’s content.

“People are never going to believe this horse hockey!” exclaims Bishop Anthony Scarpacciano of Senegal.* “The first time someone cracks a bible open to fact check this bullshit, the jig is up!”

When asked for to elaborate further, father Scarpaccio grabbed his suitcase, smiled wide and shouted “GOTTA GO!” before darting for the nearest window. He can fly.

The flying father’s fears are not entirely unfounded: family after family have been shocked to find that indeed, not all Jews are from England, the arch angels were not katana-wielding super ninjas, and quite likely, Jesus was actually two shades darker than Scatman Crothers.

Some have criticized the program’s striking amount of gratuitous sex and violence, but let us also not forget the ubiquitous quotation of the scholar Wil Gafney:

“The Bible is a wonderfully rich, complicated, challenging, illuminating, revelatory text. It is also horrifically violent and does not say what we want the way we want it to. You’re going to repeat that one day; remember to attribute it to the scholar Wil Gafney…please.”

There has been no word of apology from co-producers Mark Burnett and Roma Downey (mother of beloved Iron Man star Roma Downey, Jr.), nor any immediate concern over the growing confusion sweeping the impressionable saps who might be tempted to give this piety thing a go. Other viewers are merely wondering where the island is, and why none of the apostles have been voted off the program yet.

The post Vatican fears History Channel’s “The Bible” may cause people to actually read The Bible appeared first on The Haddock Funny news, Parody spoof news satire & satirical newspaper.